I didn't plan to blog or do anything about SL for a while yet, I am (not so) urgently seeking a job in RL. But Berry is a blogger from SL I have come to love. I can feel her loss even if I do not know the details, so I am taking up this meme that her bestie Winter Jefferson has suggested we do.
When was I at my lowest point? How did I pull through and triumph to become the dazzling specimen of humanity I am today? When I reached out... who was there to help me back up again? What gave me hope?
I am sitting back now, thinking through all that stuff throughout the years. My fingers have turned cold. And I can't even tell you what really happened, because so many secrets are not mine to share.
I am not a dazzling specimen of humanity, I am a messy human. I messed up my own life as much as I allowed somebody else in to mess me up. I didn't pull through by reaching out, getting help or seeking hope.
I am sorry but I really didn't. I pulled through by sheer determination not to let myself and my loved ones down. When it came down to it, I walked along the borderlines of depression and insanity for years, struggling to find my balance. Through time, and much willpower, it became easier to find an equilibrium. My prize is in understanding myself deeper each time something happens. I also become good at drawing lines and letting in only people who are not troublemakers, but there are times when I get thrown off-balance again. In fact, it happens quite frequently. I am still learning. But then this is life, isn't it? At least this is how it works for me.
As for my love life, I am still dealing with the residue of so many secrets that are not mine to share. I am sorry if I can't make sense by telling you more. I have reasons for not sharing about my love life in both SL and RL. It isn't so much to do with keeping personal things personal, but more to do with protecting people I love. But some of my blog readers who are attentive to small details may have observed and guessed that there is someone in my life who is always not around. Did I say too much now?
I suppose I can distract you by telling you about that girl I once looked up to as a sister who betrayed me with lies. Over a guy of course. Maybe I can tell you about that guy I had loved and respected so deeply, who decided that I could be insulted because the girl he loved more needed protection and I apparently didn't. I can tell you about that other girl who did so many things because she was jealous and wanted to oust me out of our group of common friends. Because of men, of course. Several men, most of whom I wasn't romantically interested in, some of whom I didn't even know existed. And the boyfriend I thought was my prince of destiny but was really a jerk jerk JERK. And about losing my job, having all my savings conned, and hooking up into an affair that messed up my life forever. (And now I've really said too much.)
But they are no longer important. The important thing is my willingness to deal with my life as it is now. I have burdens to carry, people to love, and hopefully a good job to take me up really soon. :/ I want to hug people who are hurting, because I know what it feels like to be hurt. And... I don't know. I think when it comes to life, we just have to learn to deal.
Posted by Tashi Core