I am so, so tired. :(
But happy! :D
But humourless! :(
But still fun! :D
That's how my brain works these days. It has been an eventful month in both RL and SL. I feel kinda like a schizo and it probably explains some of the many things I have been doing in SL. No, I didn't venture into SLex (haha, some of ya can keep dreaming!) but still. Oh, and just to clarify - I am not adverse to SLex. I am only sticking to my preference and no, I am not telling what it is. Yet.
Ok, my blog is outdated by weeks and I shall be updating whatever I can think of in this post before I go for a little blogging break. :) So here goes. *takes a deep breath*
Tashi Core has joined BL as a Bloodangel belonging to Vivienne under Eturnal Twilight. The reason for deciding this is to stay updated with the clan news, cos Vivienne's AV seems to get neglected from time to time. :p Having permission to access the beautiful clan sim is also a perk.
Vivienne Eiren is now a vampire. And as I am not willing to spend the rest of her life drinking blood or running after other AVs for bites, I spent a bomb getting permanent immunity for her. I have also been dressing her up very well and she is totally gorgeous.
Xylia Graycloud is destroyed. :( I might have done something about it, but I decided to give up when I found that I couldn't hold a decent conversation with Dro without him going "kiss kiss". In his defense though, he is not trying to get SLex (though I am sure he doesn't mind if I change my mind). It is just the way he is. :) If he is interested in reviving Xylia, I think we may still be able to work something out.
Zess Indiawood is my experiment with a lycan hud. She isn't a lycan, just a "human" with a lycan hud. I made her AV small and cute. And I should really show a pic, but I didn't take any. I haven't had time to put her up to any more mischief yet.
Benn Kwan is my male AV! I had the most fun fixing him up, partly because Karen was helping me and partly because I couldn't stop laughing at the disaster that I turned him into at the beginning. I should have taken a pic of that too, if only I could stop laughing long enough to use my brain. At first attempt he looked so... feminine. I tweaked at him for hours. And finally after a few pointers from Karen and getting him some handsome clothes, he is looking like a manly Indian guy. I am still trying to figure out how to distinguish between a tan guy AV from an Indian guy AV, but looking Indian is pretty cool in the meantime. And Karen has promised Benn some fun with her own male AV. :D
So that's my very interesting SL for now. It is really more fun than it sounds, but my brain is droning away and I can't get my tone right.
I should be back to blogging next week with more news. :D
Posted by Tashi Core
30 August 2010
27 August 2010
Looking Like Twins
I tried to get all 3 AVs in for a family photo but it didn't work out. I just kept crashing and crashing. Had to make do with only Vivienne. I'll try again another day. :D
Posted by Tashi Core
Posted by Tashi Core
26 August 2010
The Favourite Hangout
Friends who come to visit always inevitably end up on the roof. It might have something to do with a pool and a rainbow and some trial flowers. And an ad-hoc blankie. Or maybe it just feels open and outdoorsy.
Melizsa is finally human. :p
...
ISO audit in RL today. :(
But it's over! Yay! :D
Posted by Tashi Core
Melizsa is finally human. :p
...
ISO audit in RL today. :(
But it's over! Yay! :D
Posted by Tashi Core
25 August 2010
I found a Singaporean! (a few weeks ago...)
I should've put up a Singaporean flag in this pic.
Not that I have one.
Or that the flag would mean anything to the pic. Redice and I were just hanging out on my roof.
But if you've been following up with my blog (though I only know that I've got 2 readers for sure and Redice is already one of them. And hey, I'll like to know who the rest of you are too!... If there is anyone else. :D), you may notice that I have gotten my first (and only) official blog follower! For a few weeks already! :p And her name is... Redice! (Oh, did I already mention her name?) And she's a Singaporean!
Oh, I met her after Icomplainedmentioned that I have yet to meet a single Singaporean in SL in my post on 2 Aug. (Yeah, my current posts are this much outdated.) (Go click my archive to get the post, I am lazya little too busy at the moment to link up.) She IM-ed me the next day and we befriended. And she's a really nice and sweet girl, so I hope I don't jinx her too much. Her SL has already started having problems before she even started talking to me. :/
It feels kinda odd though, cos I am so used to my "international style" of communication in SL that I forget I can say things to her like "sbjl, cmi lar. bth, where got like this one?" and it will make total sense to her. Tio bo, Redice? :p
Posted by Tashi Core
Not that I have one.
Or that the flag would mean anything to the pic. Redice and I were just hanging out on my roof.
But if you've been following up with my blog (though I only know that I've got 2 readers for sure and Redice is already one of them. And hey, I'll like to know who the rest of you are too!... If there is anyone else. :D), you may notice that I have gotten my first (and only) official blog follower! For a few weeks already! :p And her name is... Redice! (Oh, did I already mention her name?) And she's a Singaporean!
Oh, I met her after I
It feels kinda odd though, cos I am so used to my "international style" of communication in SL that I forget I can say things to her like "sbjl, cmi lar. bth, where got like this one?" and it will make total sense to her. Tio bo, Redice? :p
Posted by Tashi Core
24 August 2010
Should we give Emerald another chance? Now?
I had actually prepared another post to put up for today, but I can't ignore the news. :p
When I first came to SL, it would appear that the whole SL world was praising the Emerald Viewer to the skies and kinda dissing SL Viewer 2, which is the only Viewer a SL newbie would know. I was contented with Viewer 2 though, and I did not make the switch till the day my Viewer 2 simply refused to work.
I found the Emerald setup more informative but messier than Viewer 2. I ran between both viewers for a while before getting used to Emerald. After a few weeks (which was really recently), I finally went total Emerald because it allows me to login 2 AVs at one time on the same computer.
Anyway, that's my brief story with the Emerald Viewer - the SL world was promoting it to the skies, and just when I had learned to accept and like it, the SL world moves on to tell me that it is wrong to do so now. It's so totally my kind of luck. *faints*
It also never fails to amaze me how instantly one can fall.
Yes, the Emerald team had committed a lapse. (Won't talk about the story, it's already all over the net.) And it should take responsibility for it's so-called ignorance that had resulted in the so-called prankster getting past them without their detection. But my question is, is it unforgivable? And to the point of forever distrust?
Or did the team even condone it with knowledge, as some are speculating?
I really don't know. Only the Emerald team knows how genuine their claims are. And because I am not a mind-reader, I can't judge.
And I don't even know if I should continue using Emerald. (Yeah, my opinions are not always helpful.) I am actually both willing to leave Emerald, or to give them a chance to try again as they had promised. I have plenty of arguments from both sides, but I'll spare you my confusion. But someone/anyone, tell me what you think???
What I do know, is that if I decide to leave Emerald, I will still wish them well and hope that they do not give up with the Viewer but make a comeback after a good cleanhouse. They have contributed much to SL fun with their work, which should not be discredited as much as their lapse should not be easily dismissed like it had never happened.
Posted by Tashi Core
When I first came to SL, it would appear that the whole SL world was praising the Emerald Viewer to the skies and kinda dissing SL Viewer 2, which is the only Viewer a SL newbie would know. I was contented with Viewer 2 though, and I did not make the switch till the day my Viewer 2 simply refused to work.
I found the Emerald setup more informative but messier than Viewer 2. I ran between both viewers for a while before getting used to Emerald. After a few weeks (which was really recently), I finally went total Emerald because it allows me to login 2 AVs at one time on the same computer.
Anyway, that's my brief story with the Emerald Viewer - the SL world was promoting it to the skies, and just when I had learned to accept and like it, the SL world moves on to tell me that it is wrong to do so now. It's so totally my kind of luck. *faints*
It also never fails to amaze me how instantly one can fall.
Yes, the Emerald team had committed a lapse. (Won't talk about the story, it's already all over the net.) And it should take responsibility for it's so-called ignorance that had resulted in the so-called prankster getting past them without their detection. But my question is, is it unforgivable? And to the point of forever distrust?
Or did the team even condone it with knowledge, as some are speculating?
I really don't know. Only the Emerald team knows how genuine their claims are. And because I am not a mind-reader, I can't judge.
And I don't even know if I should continue using Emerald. (Yeah, my opinions are not always helpful.) I am actually both willing to leave Emerald, or to give them a chance to try again as they had promised. I have plenty of arguments from both sides, but I'll spare you my confusion. But someone/anyone, tell me what you think???
What I do know, is that if I decide to leave Emerald, I will still wish them well and hope that they do not give up with the Viewer but make a comeback after a good cleanhouse. They have contributed much to SL fun with their work, which should not be discredited as much as their lapse should not be easily dismissed like it had never happened.
Posted by Tashi Core
23 August 2010
Did I tell you that I am musical?
I mean in SL only.
The past weekend in SL had been exciting for me, but I am too seriously sleepy to say anything else right now. I will be on course at work for these 2 days, and although I found it rather cool (useful), it makes me uh, seriously sleepy.
Posted by Tashi Core
The past weekend in SL had been exciting for me, but I am too seriously sleepy to say anything else right now. I will be on course at work for these 2 days, and although I found it rather cool (useful), it makes me uh, seriously sleepy.
Posted by Tashi Core
20 August 2010
19 August 2010
18 August 2010
Display Name Concerns
Oh, I heard the news. I have not read the official news yet, because apparently my company bans SL sites from our computers. So much for thinking about entering SL. :p Joking. I am already grateful that I can use blogger and fb. :D
Ok, I am out of point already. I just wanted to say that I don't know the details of this new Display Name feature yet, but I can already pinpoint several concerns.
Of course there is The Good Stuff.
1) Users who registered with crappy usernames and ended up not liking their names finally see sunshine. But there is really a better way to solve this without impact on users who are happy with our names. SL can give every user a chance to change our username just once.
2) Roleplayers get the fun without the inconvenience of switching from one account to another. Non-roleplayers also get the fun of nicknaming ourselves every now and then. I can name myself Superbimbo when I am feeling lame and know that I can change out to suit a different mood next week. :D
Now The Concerns.
1) The griefers. Many users are already getting away with trying to abuse others on the grid simply because they can hide anonymously behind their AVs. Imagine how this will be aggravated with the convenience of further anonymity to our already anonymous AV identities.
To check this group of nonsense, the username of every AV should be CLEARLY DISPLAYED and not hidden to other users. It is important for users to be able to distinguish the ok AVs from the problematic ones, preferably upon sight. And right now, what enables us to do so is the unique username displayed on our AV heads and in our IMs.
(And with some foresight, SL should not allow display names to take on any registered username, to prevent griefers from posing as an already established and respected AV.)
I wonder if there will come a day when I just have to set up all security barriers at home, hole my AV in there and never talk to anyone again? Gawd, I might spend the rest of my SL roleplaying as a mental.
2) The SHOPPING. How easily will a shopowner be able to track a purchase down to a username? A display name involved in a purchase may create confusion and inconvenience if not chaos for both shopowner and shopper. The shops are arguably the key group of income contribution to SL and it is therefore vital for the shopping processes to be easy and smooth. If SL pisses off the shopping industry, it is akin to business suicide. Has SL put something in place for this?
I have not started breaking things down to the nitty gritty. I won't be surprised if the impact of having display names turns out to create more problems than what I had just briefly thought of, and some bloggers may already have mentioned other things. SL, just make sure that you know what you are doing ok?
Posted by Tashi Core
Ok, I am out of point already. I just wanted to say that I don't know the details of this new Display Name feature yet, but I can already pinpoint several concerns.
Of course there is The Good Stuff.
1) Users who registered with crappy usernames and ended up not liking their names finally see sunshine. But there is really a better way to solve this without impact on users who are happy with our names. SL can give every user a chance to change our username just once.
2) Roleplayers get the fun without the inconvenience of switching from one account to another. Non-roleplayers also get the fun of nicknaming ourselves every now and then. I can name myself Superbimbo when I am feeling lame and know that I can change out to suit a different mood next week. :D
Now The Concerns.
1) The griefers. Many users are already getting away with trying to abuse others on the grid simply because they can hide anonymously behind their AVs. Imagine how this will be aggravated with the convenience of further anonymity to our already anonymous AV identities.
To check this group of nonsense, the username of every AV should be CLEARLY DISPLAYED and not hidden to other users. It is important for users to be able to distinguish the ok AVs from the problematic ones, preferably upon sight. And right now, what enables us to do so is the unique username displayed on our AV heads and in our IMs.
(And with some foresight, SL should not allow display names to take on any registered username, to prevent griefers from posing as an already established and respected AV.)
I wonder if there will come a day when I just have to set up all security barriers at home, hole my AV in there and never talk to anyone again? Gawd, I might spend the rest of my SL roleplaying as a mental.
2) The SHOPPING. How easily will a shopowner be able to track a purchase down to a username? A display name involved in a purchase may create confusion and inconvenience if not chaos for both shopowner and shopper. The shops are arguably the key group of income contribution to SL and it is therefore vital for the shopping processes to be easy and smooth. If SL pisses off the shopping industry, it is akin to business suicide. Has SL put something in place for this?
I have not started breaking things down to the nitty gritty. I won't be surprised if the impact of having display names turns out to create more problems than what I had just briefly thought of, and some bloggers may already have mentioned other things. SL, just make sure that you know what you are doing ok?
Posted by Tashi Core
Under The Sea~
Me, the Standard Mermaid-Wannabe
Carlotta, the Rebel
Posted by Tashi Core
17 August 2010
16 August 2010
13 August 2010
Animal Party!
Melizsa took Karen and me out (long story) and we met some new friends.
I was the white tiger. :D I actually wanted to buy the one Melizsa had when I first met her, but I didn't know that the 2-legged and 4-legged AVs are different ones.
So I bought the wrong one. :p
I looked more like a soft toy than a baby tiger. But the point is, I was still cute!
Melizsa switched into pink tiger to accompany me. Karen is the erm, other species without the prey, and she could do flips while Melizsa and I dance.
Oh, I love tinies.
Posted by Tashi Core
I was the white tiger. :D I actually wanted to buy the one Melizsa had when I first met her, but I didn't know that the 2-legged and 4-legged AVs are different ones.
So I bought the wrong one. :p
I looked more like a soft toy than a baby tiger. But the point is, I was still cute!
Melizsa switched into pink tiger to accompany me. Karen is the erm, other species without the prey, and she could do flips while Melizsa and I dance.
Oh, I love tinies.
Posted by Tashi Core
12 August 2010
What Happened???
Dro and I stood gaping at what was left of his house.
Dro wondered who would steal his wall and run away.
I wondered who he had offended this time.
Melizsa thought the house might have exploded because Dro exceeded his prim limit.
Karen thought the landlord would not be pleased to see this.
Posted by Tashi Core
Dro wondered who would steal his wall and run away.
I wondered who he had offended this time.
Melizsa thought the house might have exploded because Dro exceeded his prim limit.
Karen thought the landlord would not be pleased to see this.
Posted by Tashi Core
11 August 2010
Rawking AV 7
Karen and I were shopping at the Dressing Room when I spotted a white baby tiger AV. I didn't remember to take a pic but she was sooo irresistable that Karen and I just had to chat her up.
Our new friend Melizsa is very friendly and she showed us these 2 AVs because she thought we would like them. We did. (But my favourite is still baby tiger.)
Posted by Tashi Core
Our new friend Melizsa is very friendly and she showed us these 2 AVs because she thought we would like them. We did. (But my favourite is still baby tiger.)
Posted by Tashi Core
10 August 2010
Cranky. And SSM2.
Ok, so I am done with my long National Day weekend. August is a busy busy month for me and I'll be quite tied up for the rest of the month unless I cheat. The last weekend was my only free one for the month and I'd pretty much exploited it with furniture shopping instead of tidying up this blog. So you'll be tortured with outdated posts for the rest of the month. :/
Over the weekend, some idiot materialised in my room while I was sorting new furniture.
SSM2: Hi
Me: yes?
SSM2: :-) Are you alone?
Me: yeah...?
SSM2: I am looking for sex. How can I get some?
Me: aren't you supposed to be next door?
(Cos really I had just login and did my usual environment scan and saw him hanging around the neighbour's. I swear I wasn't peeping at my neighbourhaving a threesome. :p)
SSM2: I decided to visit you.
Me: well, that is a shock. would have appreciated if you gave me a warning or asked my permission first.
SSM2: Lol, I'll give you a warning next time.
Me: *rolled my RL eyes and rezzed furniture all over the room*
SSM2: I decided to visit you.
Me: for what? Sex? no thank you.
*kept all furniture, includingthemy chair that he was sitting on without invitation*
Me: now you have your answer, you can go back.
*walked out of my room to try out the furniture in the lounge*
I would have ejected him if I had the permission rights. Snubbing him was a little fun but it was not enough to sooth all my irritation because it happened right in my home, my bedroom.
I agree that SL space need not be as personal as RL space, but we did bloody pay for that space and furniture - not to have someone intrude with such rudeness. Karen is now thinking of setting up a security orb and I was quite hoping that it wouldn't come to that. I don't mind if a stranger comes in with courtesy, I am open to new (and respectful) people. But I am not so sure now, maybe our space needs that protection.
Just a day before this, a noob walked past me when I was working stuff on the porch. And he suddenly turned around and opened my front door and walked into the house without saying a word to me. He was fast, he went upstairs into my room, out the balcony and was about to enter Karen's room before I managed to waylay him. I told him he shouldn't enter my house without greeting me first. He apologised and poofed. At least he wasn't offensive in interaction and I was more amused than irritated because I could give him benefit of doubt. It was still not nice of him.
And to avoid any misunderstanding, it turned out that the neighbour did not know SSM2 and was open to any kicking and banning that might have ensued. (I had to check, because Dro was going to have to help me take out SSM2, friend or no friend. I was rather relieved that there would be no love lost between them. :p) It was good that SSM2 left pretty fast.
Posted by Tashi Core
Over the weekend, some idiot materialised in my room while I was sorting new furniture.
SSM2: Hi
Me: yes?
SSM2: :-) Are you alone?
Me: yeah...?
SSM2: I am looking for sex. How can I get some?
Me: aren't you supposed to be next door?
(Cos really I had just login and did my usual environment scan and saw him hanging around the neighbour's. I swear I wasn't peeping at my neighbour
SSM2: I decided to visit you.
Me: well, that is a shock. would have appreciated if you gave me a warning or asked my permission first.
SSM2: Lol, I'll give you a warning next time.
Me: *rolled my RL eyes and rezzed furniture all over the room*
SSM2: I decided to visit you.
Me: for what? Sex? no thank you.
*kept all furniture, including
Me: now you have your answer, you can go back.
*walked out of my room to try out the furniture in the lounge*
I would have ejected him if I had the permission rights. Snubbing him was a little fun but it was not enough to sooth all my irritation because it happened right in my home, my bedroom.
I agree that SL space need not be as personal as RL space, but we did bloody pay for that space and furniture - not to have someone intrude with such rudeness. Karen is now thinking of setting up a security orb and I was quite hoping that it wouldn't come to that. I don't mind if a stranger comes in with courtesy, I am open to new (and respectful) people. But I am not so sure now, maybe our space needs that protection.
Just a day before this, a noob walked past me when I was working stuff on the porch. And he suddenly turned around and opened my front door and walked into the house without saying a word to me. He was fast, he went upstairs into my room, out the balcony and was about to enter Karen's room before I managed to waylay him. I told him he shouldn't enter my house without greeting me first. He apologised and poofed. At least he wasn't offensive in interaction and I was more amused than irritated because I could give him benefit of doubt. It was still not nice of him.
And to avoid any misunderstanding, it turned out that the neighbour did not know SSM2 and was open to any kicking and banning that might have ensued. (I had to check, because Dro was going to have to help me take out SSM2, friend or no friend. I was rather relieved that there would be no love lost between them. :p) It was good that SSM2 left pretty fast.
Posted by Tashi Core
07 August 2010
The Heroine (Me!)
Karen put up a pool on our rooftop, and we decided to go soak it up.
It was absolutely perfect, even though we kinda looked like murdered dolls in floats. But Karen said nobody would murder a woman wearing flippers, so my flippers would protect us both. So I became the heroine.
Doesn't she look sooo cute?
And I loveee my float.
Posted by Tashi Core
It was absolutely perfect, even though we kinda looked like murdered dolls in floats. But Karen said nobody would murder a woman wearing flippers, so my flippers would protect us both. So I became the heroine.
Doesn't she look sooo cute?
And I loveee my float.
Posted by Tashi Core
06 August 2010
Indi~India~
Coral and I did some sort of Bollywood dance and kungfu fusion the other day. The pictures are not great but they captured some of the action.
Posted by Tashi Core
Posted by Tashi Core
05 August 2010
Growing Flowers on Myself
Chilling on my bubble in the balcony as the RL self tried to sort the impossible inventory.
Posted by Tashi Core
Posted by Tashi Core
04 August 2010
Rambling
I wasn't sure if I should post this, but since I've written out all these jumble from my head, I'll go ahead.
I read a few things on my brother's fb this morning that really disturbed me. And then I thought about it, and thought about it some more. Yesterday I stumbled upon Sophia Harlow's blog post and I was already thinking about relationships and love/hate.
When a (sort of) similar but much less extreme situation happened to me a few years ago, I had wanted to write about it. But I never got down to it because it is so much easier to avoid thinking back.
But today, I shall share my story. I hope that my brother only gets to read this when he is in a more collected state of mind. Please understand that I am not here to judge, I only want you to know that nobody is free from pain.
My ex and I were both older, so we both knew my rights and resources, and the trouble I could get him into if I wanted. Maybe that was why he never got physical, or maybe he just isn't physically abusive. I don't know.
But not getting beaten up didn't mean that there was no abuse. It just meant that I did not know I was being abused and it took me a long time to realise what it was really about. His control and manipulation seeped in, dose by dose. At one point I recognised that I couldn't go anywhere or do anything or not do anything without him giving me hell, or giving me permission first then hell.
Even then I did not realise what I had gotten myself into. He was my first serious relationship and I thought that maybe I just wasn't cut out for a real relationship. I contemplated planning for a religious celibate life. :p
Looking back, I think that I was kind of lucky too. It is the norm for Asians to stay with our parents until we get married, and I believe that I was better protected because of my close proximity with my family.
Still, those years were hell. I remember running off to the toilet to deal with him on phone when I was at work, because he started abusing me over a single missed call. I remember telling him where I would be and the specific time I couldn't answer his call. He called anyway. There were 44 missed calls over a span of less than 15 minutes and a pending fight for later. I remember fighting with him when I was out with my best girlfriends simply because he didn't like the idea that I was with anyone else other than him. I remember fighting with him into the wee hours of the night because I needed to sleep (I was working a job that required me to wake up damn early each morning) but he wanted to stay on the phone. After he calmed down enough from each episode, he would return to apologise, give excuses and beg my forgiveness. But the same thing would be repeated week after week. My list can go on and on, it was neverending.
I sucked it up and hid these from everyone. I stupidly thought that it was only between him and me. I let him guilt me into thinking that I did not love him enough, that I owed him in our relationship. Did needing sleep mean that I didn't love him? Yeah, maybe. I can actually go without love, but I can't go without sleep. Suck it up too, man.
I was quite a happy and peaceful person by the time I met him. He was smart, kind to animals and respectful to the elderly. He was everything I dreamed of, and he eventually became everything I was afraid of. I turned defensive and paranoid. But I was mostly angry. I was angry with him for not turning out correct, I was angrier with myself for allowing all his nonsense. My anger accumulated, I started losing control of my temper in a way that I didn't understand, and which he later used to justify how wrong I always was.
But I still loved him. And I knew that in his own freaked obsessive way, he loved me too. He just didn't have a healthy balance, to put it mildly. I don't know how I did it, but I tolerated him for 14 months before I tried to break up. And I wasn't even strong enough to make a clean break. I actually promised to wait for him to stabilise his emotions. Yes, I was a hopeless pushover.
I couldn't recover anyway. Of course it didn't help that he would keep calling me throughout the year.
Finally after 10 months, I did a stupid thing. I hooked up with another guy. I didn't know him well, I took him because he had a great body. ":/ I knew it was not the right thing to do. I felt horribly guilty too.
But I was desperate enough.
On hindsight now, I can see that the impulse was really a subconscious attempt to escape from the ex. I can see now how he had affected me into thinking that I was such a lousy person he was the best I could get, and that I could not live a better life without him. My subconscious self was trying to tell me that he was wrong. It turned out to be the best stupid decision I had ever made.
Of course, hell broke loose again after that. The ex naturally gave his worst when I broke my promise to return to him. My guilt made me suck it up again. I am sure you will love the juicy details, so I will give you some. :) Ok, I didn't suck it all up, I was angry enough to retaliate at times. But I did allow him to con and gamble all my savings away even though he knew I was jobless then. I had to borrow money from my parents to survive that period. I only managed to get back about a quarter of the money he took, but he can keep the rest of it now if it means I won't have to see him again. I see it as paying him back for some of the expensive presents he gave me in the past. :p Now that I am over it, I find it kinda hilarious in a warped way. Ha.
The weird part was that I would rather be a two-timing cheat than return to be his woman. It didn't make sense anymore but I could no longer help my feelings. And my feelings were clear - I could live with being whatever effing label he said I was, I just couldn't live with him.
On the other side, I remembered what it was like to breathe again when I was with the other man. He didn't care much at first, but we communicated gradually and developed a mutually respectful relationship that lasted a few years. Things didn't work out still, he was quite the wrong person to hook up with and I am picking up the residue of this relationship now, but I am contented with what we had.
That relationship gave me confidence, and after a few months into it I finally resolved to clean house. Like I said, I knew my rights and resources. I didn't use it before because I had allowed him to twist everything into my fault. Well, it was not like I could stop him from doing so anyway. But I was pushed to a point where I didn't care whose fault it was anymore. Right and wrong were so obviously distorted that they no mattered to me. I just wanted out.
My last contact with him was in July 2007, and it was 3.5 years from when we started and almost 2.5 years after I initiated the first break. I don't know what happened to him from then on (before that I last knew he was trying to con a rich girl), but I do know that I got better and better. I have had another relationship, and I know that I can deal with problems without running to yet another man. Yeah, something happened but I stayed firm. Congratulate me. *grins* I also know that real respect goes a long way. The ex's accusations and my guilt had since crumbled into dust.
I still freak out now whenever any guy starts arguing like the ex, and I am resigned to carrying this phobia for a longer time. Sometimes I wonder if it is really over, if he is really never going to bother me again. My emotions are in good shape otherwise. :)
Bro, I know you have a different story. So she may be as bad as you say she is. But your behaviour to her now reminds me of what the ex had done to me. I cannot encourage or support you in this. You can tell me that I didn't deserve it and she does (which I don't agree with but I am not here to dispute that), but I can't tell you that you are right to do this any more than my ex was. Please don't stoop to this. Please. I know your pain, I truly do. We have both loved and lost before, and we have survived.
You must know that I have never seen myself as his victim. I can think of a thousand ways now how I could have handled it better back then, though back then I did not have the capacity to see it. I don't blame myself, but I have realised that to absolve myself from blame I need to forgive him too.
If you need to forgive her to be happy again, then do it. I truly believe that she was just not mature enough to have handled things the way she did. And no excuse will deplete her share of failure. She is responsible for what happens with her just as you are responsible for what happens with you. For yourself, please move on. I promise that you will be better off when you do, but it is a promise that can only be broken by you.
Buck up. We love you.
I love you.
Me
p.s. Sophia, if you read this, I'm rambling again. It has nothing to do with you except that I identify with a few things in your blog post. I am sorry for associating my story with yours, it's just a coincidence. Let me know if you wish me to delete the link.
I read a few things on my brother's fb this morning that really disturbed me. And then I thought about it, and thought about it some more. Yesterday I stumbled upon Sophia Harlow's blog post and I was already thinking about relationships and love/hate.
When a (sort of) similar but much less extreme situation happened to me a few years ago, I had wanted to write about it. But I never got down to it because it is so much easier to avoid thinking back.
But today, I shall share my story. I hope that my brother only gets to read this when he is in a more collected state of mind. Please understand that I am not here to judge, I only want you to know that nobody is free from pain.
My ex and I were both older, so we both knew my rights and resources, and the trouble I could get him into if I wanted. Maybe that was why he never got physical, or maybe he just isn't physically abusive. I don't know.
But not getting beaten up didn't mean that there was no abuse. It just meant that I did not know I was being abused and it took me a long time to realise what it was really about. His control and manipulation seeped in, dose by dose. At one point I recognised that I couldn't go anywhere or do anything or not do anything without him giving me hell, or giving me permission first then hell.
Even then I did not realise what I had gotten myself into. He was my first serious relationship and I thought that maybe I just wasn't cut out for a real relationship. I contemplated planning for a religious celibate life. :p
Looking back, I think that I was kind of lucky too. It is the norm for Asians to stay with our parents until we get married, and I believe that I was better protected because of my close proximity with my family.
Still, those years were hell. I remember running off to the toilet to deal with him on phone when I was at work, because he started abusing me over a single missed call. I remember telling him where I would be and the specific time I couldn't answer his call. He called anyway. There were 44 missed calls over a span of less than 15 minutes and a pending fight for later. I remember fighting with him when I was out with my best girlfriends simply because he didn't like the idea that I was with anyone else other than him. I remember fighting with him into the wee hours of the night because I needed to sleep (I was working a job that required me to wake up damn early each morning) but he wanted to stay on the phone. After he calmed down enough from each episode, he would return to apologise, give excuses and beg my forgiveness. But the same thing would be repeated week after week. My list can go on and on, it was neverending.
I sucked it up and hid these from everyone. I stupidly thought that it was only between him and me. I let him guilt me into thinking that I did not love him enough, that I owed him in our relationship. Did needing sleep mean that I didn't love him? Yeah, maybe. I can actually go without love, but I can't go without sleep. Suck it up too, man.
I was quite a happy and peaceful person by the time I met him. He was smart, kind to animals and respectful to the elderly. He was everything I dreamed of, and he eventually became everything I was afraid of. I turned defensive and paranoid. But I was mostly angry. I was angry with him for not turning out correct, I was angrier with myself for allowing all his nonsense. My anger accumulated, I started losing control of my temper in a way that I didn't understand, and which he later used to justify how wrong I always was.
But I still loved him. And I knew that in his own freaked obsessive way, he loved me too. He just didn't have a healthy balance, to put it mildly. I don't know how I did it, but I tolerated him for 14 months before I tried to break up. And I wasn't even strong enough to make a clean break. I actually promised to wait for him to stabilise his emotions. Yes, I was a hopeless pushover.
I couldn't recover anyway. Of course it didn't help that he would keep calling me throughout the year.
Finally after 10 months, I did a stupid thing. I hooked up with another guy. I didn't know him well, I took him because he had a great body. ":/ I knew it was not the right thing to do. I felt horribly guilty too.
But I was desperate enough.
On hindsight now, I can see that the impulse was really a subconscious attempt to escape from the ex. I can see now how he had affected me into thinking that I was such a lousy person he was the best I could get, and that I could not live a better life without him. My subconscious self was trying to tell me that he was wrong. It turned out to be the best stupid decision I had ever made.
Of course, hell broke loose again after that. The ex naturally gave his worst when I broke my promise to return to him. My guilt made me suck it up again. I am sure you will love the juicy details, so I will give you some. :) Ok, I didn't suck it all up, I was angry enough to retaliate at times. But I did allow him to con and gamble all my savings away even though he knew I was jobless then. I had to borrow money from my parents to survive that period. I only managed to get back about a quarter of the money he took, but he can keep the rest of it now if it means I won't have to see him again. I see it as paying him back for some of the expensive presents he gave me in the past. :p Now that I am over it, I find it kinda hilarious in a warped way. Ha.
The weird part was that I would rather be a two-timing cheat than return to be his woman. It didn't make sense anymore but I could no longer help my feelings. And my feelings were clear - I could live with being whatever effing label he said I was, I just couldn't live with him.
On the other side, I remembered what it was like to breathe again when I was with the other man. He didn't care much at first, but we communicated gradually and developed a mutually respectful relationship that lasted a few years. Things didn't work out still, he was quite the wrong person to hook up with and I am picking up the residue of this relationship now, but I am contented with what we had.
That relationship gave me confidence, and after a few months into it I finally resolved to clean house. Like I said, I knew my rights and resources. I didn't use it before because I had allowed him to twist everything into my fault. Well, it was not like I could stop him from doing so anyway. But I was pushed to a point where I didn't care whose fault it was anymore. Right and wrong were so obviously distorted that they no mattered to me. I just wanted out.
My last contact with him was in July 2007, and it was 3.5 years from when we started and almost 2.5 years after I initiated the first break. I don't know what happened to him from then on (before that I last knew he was trying to con a rich girl), but I do know that I got better and better. I have had another relationship, and I know that I can deal with problems without running to yet another man. Yeah, something happened but I stayed firm. Congratulate me. *grins* I also know that real respect goes a long way. The ex's accusations and my guilt had since crumbled into dust.
I still freak out now whenever any guy starts arguing like the ex, and I am resigned to carrying this phobia for a longer time. Sometimes I wonder if it is really over, if he is really never going to bother me again. My emotions are in good shape otherwise. :)
Bro, I know you have a different story. So she may be as bad as you say she is. But your behaviour to her now reminds me of what the ex had done to me. I cannot encourage or support you in this. You can tell me that I didn't deserve it and she does (which I don't agree with but I am not here to dispute that), but I can't tell you that you are right to do this any more than my ex was. Please don't stoop to this. Please. I know your pain, I truly do. We have both loved and lost before, and we have survived.
You must know that I have never seen myself as his victim. I can think of a thousand ways now how I could have handled it better back then, though back then I did not have the capacity to see it. I don't blame myself, but I have realised that to absolve myself from blame I need to forgive him too.
If you need to forgive her to be happy again, then do it. I truly believe that she was just not mature enough to have handled things the way she did. And no excuse will deplete her share of failure. She is responsible for what happens with her just as you are responsible for what happens with you. For yourself, please move on. I promise that you will be better off when you do, but it is a promise that can only be broken by you.
Buck up. We love you.
I love you.
Me
p.s. Sophia, if you read this, I'm rambling again. It has nothing to do with you except that I identify with a few things in your blog post. I am sorry for associating my story with yours, it's just a coincidence. Let me know if you wish me to delete the link.
03 August 2010
I am falling behind with my posts.
Not that I am not posting, but I am not organising my material well enough to keep the posts updated in time.
So this happened more than a week ago but I only managed to bring it up today.
Dro took me dancing at the Pookie Club, an "adult" club that he works in. It's a nice place when it is quiet. :p Indeed, Dro is a big-time flirt. But he isn't offensive and can be fun to hang out with. He also took me to a beautiful nude beach nearby, which I didn't use. *grins*
But back to topic, I was saying that my posts are becoming wayyy outdated by the time I can get them up. At the rate I am going, my past weekend's adventures will only be posted next week or after. I've got to reorganise my material but I have no time to do it soon because the new House and Garden hunt takes priority.
And that's another news. Karen has indulged me with another room to play with in our home. :D Because I take my new job very seriously, I am doing the hunt. (I had decided after the last hunt that I don't wanna hunt anymore because I really suck at it when there were no other hunters around for me to stalk. :() I've been toying around with a few themes, but I want to see what I can get from this hunt before I decide.
You must be so fascinated by my writing now. *yawns*
Posted by Tashi Core
So this happened more than a week ago but I only managed to bring it up today.
Dro took me dancing at the Pookie Club, an "adult" club that he works in. It's a nice place when it is quiet. :p Indeed, Dro is a big-time flirt. But he isn't offensive and can be fun to hang out with. He also took me to a beautiful nude beach nearby, which I didn't use. *grins*
But back to topic, I was saying that my posts are becoming wayyy outdated by the time I can get them up. At the rate I am going, my past weekend's adventures will only be posted next week or after. I've got to reorganise my material but I have no time to do it soon because the new House and Garden hunt takes priority.
And that's another news. Karen has indulged me with another room to play with in our home. :D Because I take my new job very seriously, I am doing the hunt. (I had decided after the last hunt that I don't wanna hunt anymore because I really suck at it when there were no other hunters around for me to stalk. :() I've been toying around with a few themes, but I want to see what I can get from this hunt before I decide.
Posted by Tashi Core
02 August 2010
Potential News
I work in a rather established local hospital in RL. (No, I am not a medical staff. My division deals with PR and the like.) Last week, one of our directors mentioned that we are looking into SL as a potential social media platform for the company.
That came as a shock to me.
It isn't that I mind letting my work become a part of my entertainment. In fact, I think this part will turn out kinda exciting.
It is just that I barely meet any Asians in SL, and I have not met a single Singaporean yet. So I wonder what my company will be targeting for if they decide to enter SL, or if they already know the clientele base of SL.
That said, I might have missed out on some marketing foresight that my management has. So if my hospital does enter SL, I'll be pleased to go along with the plan. (Does that mean I get to play SL at work? ":D)
I suppose I could show my support by sending Vivienne over to donate some blood. :p
Posted by Tashi Core
That came as a shock to me.
It isn't that I mind letting my work become a part of my entertainment. In fact, I think this part will turn out kinda exciting.
It is just that I barely meet any Asians in SL, and I have not met a single Singaporean yet. So I wonder what my company will be targeting for if they decide to enter SL, or if they already know the clientele base of SL.
That said, I might have missed out on some marketing foresight that my management has. So if my hospital does enter SL, I'll be pleased to go along with the plan. (Does that mean I get to play SL at work? ":D)
I suppose I could show my support by sending Vivienne over to donate some blood. :p
Posted by Tashi Core
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